The bad Spaniard, The bad American

I am at some point in my life where I am an expat; an 'expat of the world'. I belong nowhere and everywhere.

I feel like I do not belong where I live now, this is not my native language, nor my culture. But I do not belong back home neither, that is not my life anymore.

People always talk about how it is to be an expat of your country, but, what about when you are an expat of the world? How do I feel about it?

I was born and raised under the sun of the Canary islands. This can sound amazing right? Well, that depends on what you like.

I love my island, La Palma. It is a gorgeous island but I never felt like I fitted in. I have always wanted to live some place where I was able to:

Take my car and go miles and miles without a limit.
Experience the seasons.
Meet new and different people.
Eat different foods

Now-after some years wandering the world- I am living in New England with my American husband.

Why am I a bad Spaniard?

I do not miss Spain in the way that is expected from me to be missed.

I miss some things and I miss my loved ones, but I do not crave coming back. This doesn't mean I think living here is better than there, I just feel that every place has its own good and bad things and that I have learned to adapt everywhere I am.

And this feeling has nothing to do with the fact that I am married to a local, because I have felt like this for years, before being married.

I might be the only Spaniard that does not look for Spanish products at the supermarket, or does not ask her mom for boxes of food. I do not look for a sweet taste of home.

I miss the bread though, why is the bread so sweet in America? LOL

So many times I feel misjudged for not being more attached to Spain.

Why am I a bad American?

Because I am not! I live here now, I am getting used to everything but it is not enough just yet. Maybe one day...

So I have made these two lists; The good and the bad of being a world expat.

The Good

Independence: I've always been an independent woman but when you move around the world, you are forced to rely on yourself. And this is absolutely good, there are moments when everything looks so hard and meaningless but at the end you learn to be fully independent and free, which is priceless.

People: Oh the people! We are all human beings but everyone is so unique, and this, plus the cultures, will connect you to different ideas, believes, lifestyles, etc.

All of these perspectives give you a new vision of life, of your life. It makes you think more and harder. To question yourself and your beliefs. To learn new things. To embrace new things and to leave old ones.

Discover new places: This is one of the best! How great it is to have new and exciting places to visit and to discover.

New meaning of life: I think when you leave your comfort zone you realize what is really important in life. Life itself is the most beautiful thing, and wandering the world shows you this.

The Bad

Missing: Not only missing your family and friends, but what will happen. Weddings, birthdays, births, life.

You will be always an outsider: Even if you can communicate well with the locals, it’s hard to get into their social friend group. Sometimes you will feel like an outsider because you’re not the same as them.

In general I feel welcome everywhere, people are nice to me. But the reality is I can feel how when they hear an accent, they see an outsider.

Starting from scratch: Every single thing that you have achieved before in your life is lost. Your job experiences, your relationships, even your driver license!

Loneliness: I personally manage this one very well, I have always been a lone wolf. But it is a fact, at least at the beginning you are alone.

Language: At some point you do not speak any language correctly. So many times I am speaking English and do not find an expression or a word. But then, since most of the time I speak English, when I am speaking Spanish so many English words come to the sentences.

After reading the bad things you are probably thinking; Those are bad!

When I have these feelings I stop for a second and ask myself: Where would you be right now? Where would you be happier?

And I realize that every episode of my life has had beautiful and ugly moments. That happiness does not come with a place but with what you build there. Of course I still miss those things that I will never be able to have where I am right now but I will have new ones and I will try to find the happiness in there.

This short post is dedicated to those, who like me, feel that they belong nowhere and everywhere.

'HOME IS WHERE THE HEART IS'